Ryou's gone! Part 1
by Psycho BakuRyou
Summary: Ryou decides to talk a walk leaving Bakura alone. Bakura is shocked that Ryou has left him and is in a state of fetal positioning. Who will really help him? Marik, Yami Marik, or the Yugi's(last chap. up. Yay)
1. Ryou's gone!

Ryou's gone (part 1)

It was a bright shiny morning

"6:00 A.M right on schedule." Ryou said. "Bakura's sound asleep and he won't even know I'm gone. I bet he can manage the _Dramatic music plays_ WHOLE DAY WITHOUT ME. "

"I'll just…leave him a little note." Ryou said writing a note.

_Dear Bakura,_

_I left._

_Love…I mean sincerely,_

_Ryou._

"There. He'll totally understand that." Ryou said walking out and locking everything.

Bakura finally awoke at 12:00 in the afternoon. He yawned and stretched.

"What's this fucking itch that I have and where is it coming from?" He asked himself scratching himself all over. "There I hit it!" He screamed laughing manically and scratching his left ass cheek.

"Hmm. A letter. Who cares? Ryo-o-o-o-o-o where the hell are you-u-u-u-u?" Bakura sang. He searched around the house several times each time his panicking meter rising.

"Ryou? Ryou! Where are you Ryou! Ryou!" He panicked. "The letter yes!" He picked up the letter.

_Dear Bakura,_

_I left._

_Love…I mean sincerely,_

_Ryou._

"Well what the hell does "I left mean!" He asked himself. He gasped. "He's been abducted by aliums!" "Or Marik…but he's already an alium. Or Yugi." Growls. "Yugi." He went to his room and picked up a few knives and threw them at his wall where he had a picture of Yugi with holes in it.

"Ryou. Where could he have gone? Maybe…

"Dream Skit"

Man: "You're coming with me little boy.

Ryou: I'm not little! Bakura help me Bakura!

Men: Laugh evilly.

Man: Our leader shall take care of you.

Marik pops out sitting on a throne drinking diet coke.

"End Dream Skit"

"No." Bakura said shocked. He ran to the door and tried opening it. "These thieves are cleverer than I thought. Who knew Marik had a brain! Or maybe it wasn't Marik maybe it was…Yugi. Growls "Yugi." Or it could be the aliums…or Yami Marik."

"So…many…options…begin…to…fetal…positioning." Bakura laid on the ground sucking his thumb and rocking. "Where is Ryou? Where is Ryou? Where is Ryou? Where is Ryou?"

Light bulb flashes on Bakura's head. "Wait a minute! I…no…slipped my mind back to fetal position." "Where is Ryou? Where is Ryou? Where is Ryou?" Where is…" There was a knock at the door.

"Ryou? Are you home? It is I…Marik! Keeper of the tombs. Lover of tube socks. Ruler of the world! Open up." Marik knocked.

_Don't panic Bakura. It's just a stranger Ryou will just pop out of nowhere and save me by opening the door and revealing who it is_. Bakura waited for 5 minutes for that to happen.

"Bakura! I see you laying on your ass! Open the damn door!" Marik yelled knocking loudly.

Bakura got up slowly and opened it then screamed to his room.

"Ryou's not home?" Marik asked staring at Bakura pathetically.

"Yep." Bakura said.

Marik sighed. "I brought my Yami." He said.

"Oh what joy." Bakura said dully.

"Hi." Yami Marik said.

"Wait! The door! Is it open!" Bakura asked.

"No…I locked it again." Yami Marik said.

"Damn." Bakura cursed. "Marik…I want you to put your brain to good use. Decipher the meaning of this letter." He ordered.

Marik looked blankly at Bakura.

"Go ahead…decipher it." Bakura said handing it to him.

Marik looked at it and stared at Bakura confused.

"Read it Ra dammit!" Bakura yelled.

"OoOoOoOo!" Marik said.

_Dear Bakura._

_I left._

_Love…I mean sincerely. _

_Ryou_

"Well?" Bakura asked.

"Hmm? This is ones a toughy. I can't quite make it out." Marik said rubbing his head.

"He left." Yami Marik said.

"No shit Sherlock! He was abducted! By thieves!" Bakura said raising his arms.

"Yea…and my man…is YaHabibi." Yami Marik said.

"Why else would the door be locked? Hmmm! Ever thought of that!" Bakura asked angrily.

"Hmm…I don't suppose he…got his key and put the lock on it do you?" Yami Marik asked.

"Could be a possibility but…maybe it was Yugi." Marik said.

Bakura and Marik both growl "Yugi."

"Wait I saw you in my day dream! You kidnapped Ryou!" Bakura yelled pointing at Marik.

"No I didn't! My Yami did!" Marik yelled.

"No I did not Marik." Yami Marik said.

"Did too!"

"Did not!"

"Did so!"

"Uh-huh!"

"Nah-huh!" Marik said. "Aw dammit caught by my own Yami. Curse you Yami."

"We have to get out of here! My life is depending on it!" Bakura said.

"Why?" Yami Marik asked.

Bakura coughed. "Personal reasons."

"You dog Bakura." Marik said.

"I didn't bark." Bakura said.

Yami Marik and Marik sighed.

A light bulb flashed on Marik's head. (Hallelujah! Thank the lord! Thank Ra. Marik's got his first idea since 16 years! Yeehaw!)

"I'm gonna go get a locksmith! You guys say here!" He said opening the door and running out.

Yami Marik's jaw dropped.

"I just noticed Marik's pretty sharp. Getting a locksmith and all. I woulda never thought of that." Bakura said.

"He…opened…the…fucking…door…you…fucking…retard." Yami Marik said.

The door opened and Marik rushed in. "Oops. Forgot one thing." He said locking the door again. "There now we're stuck again."

Yami Marik slapped his head. "I'm killing myself. Marik I hate you Bakura…good luck too ya." He said jumping out the balcony.

"Yami…NO-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O!" Marik screamed running to the balcony.

"It's ok Marik. He's in a better place now." Bakura said patting Marik's back.

"Heaven?" Marik asked biting his bottom lip and making his eyes twice their original size.

"Hell fuck no he's going to hell." Bakura said pushing Marik away.

"Hey it's Ryou! Hey Ryou! Hey!" Marik screamed waving at Ryou. "See you Baku. I'm gonna talk to Ryou." He said running out the door and locking it for Bakura again.

"You do that." Bakura said playing with blocks. He heard a thump in the chimney area and walked towards it.

"Yugi!" He shouted. Growls. "Yugi."

"Hey Bakura. Your front door was locked so I came through the chimney. What's up?" He asked.

Bakura narrowed his eyes at Yugi. _He's planning on kidnapping me too. This is exactly how he got Ryou…through the chimney. Clever boy. What does he want with me? I'll just play it cool and when he makes his move. I'll be ready too. Hahahahahahahahahaha!_ "I'm good. Just watching TV. Heard about latest "kidnappings." Bakura said.

"Sad isn't it how sick people kidnap others?" Yugi asked shedding a tear,

_Oh please. He kidnapped Ryou being all dramatic I should kill him now and get his puzzle. Fuck I'm getting off topic. I'm doing this for Ryou. Focus…Ryou. Ryou…focus. Mmmm cheese burger. Mmmm. _"Huh? Yea. Yea." Bakura said cleaning his drool.

"What'cha up too?" Yugi asked.

"You asked me that question already. In a different way of talking though. _Dummy…makes Marik seem like a pigeon. I mean…pro-di-gy. There we go._

"Oh. I brought my Yami." Yugi said.

"I don't care." Bakura said.

"Hello Bakura." Yami Yugi said in a breathless voice.

_Damn…that voice…it frightens me. I hate being frightened if it weren't for Yugi…_Growls. _Yugi… Yami Yugi wouldn't frighten me with his rapist voice._

"You're alone? Oh yes you are that's correct." Yami Yugi said.

"I'll leave you too alone. TeA said she made a friendship collage for me!" Yugi squealed running up the chimney.

"Tea's your lesbian friend too go with him. Scram." Bakura said.

"No. I wanna…I wanna be with you." Yami Yugi said walking up to Bakura.

_Yami Yugi wanting to be with me? Asking if I was alone? Grabbing my shirt. _"You kidnapped Ryou!" Bakura yelled.

"What the hell?" Yami Yugi asked.

Bakura laughed maniacally. "You stole him. You set the traps right there in front of me so I can see. The frightening quite seductive voice, asking if I was alone, grabbing my shirt…it all adds up! You stole the cookie from the cookie jar!" Bakura screamed.

"I thought I stole Ryou." Yami Yugi said.

"Yea, yea him too. It was you framing Yugi…" Growls. "Yugi" "Like that! Shame on you." Bakura said.

"Ok. I did it I stole Ryou. This is that part where you wrestle me." Yami Yugi said.

"Really? No. It says coffee break." Bakura said reading his script. "Alright. Coffee break I'm taking 5."

Bakura drank his coffee.

"Now is the part where I—hiccups—wrestle you!" Bakura said rapidly and twitching. He threw himself on Yami Yugi and started punching him.

The door opened…

"Bakura?" Ryou said.

Bakura stopped chewing Yami Yugi's face and looked at Ryou. "Oh Ryou! You're back. The aliums let you free! Yugi…" Growls. "Yugi." "Set you free!" Bakura said hugging Ryou's legs.

"Bakura…I left you a note." Ryou said.

"Oh yea! Oh yea! You think it's funny huh! Leaving me here by myself for a week stranded with a seducer! With no food!" Bakura yelled angrily.

"First of all I'm not laughing. Second of all it was a few hours and lastly…there's food in the fridge." Ryou said.

"Now you're calling me stupid! Oh…where's my mommy. Mommy. Someone read me a bedtime story. I'm so depressed." Bakura cried.

"I didn't mean to make you cry Bakura. It's just the truth." Ryou said hugging him.

"Oh Ryou. You're so…cute in this light. Where have you been all my life!" Bakura asked kissing Ryou.

"Who the hell gave him coffee! Huh! What bitch gave my Yami coffee!" Ryou asked angrily.

Bakura laughed, then cried, then growled and twitched. Kissed Ryou again.

"It was you! You gave him the coffee didn't you!" Ryou asked angrily pointing to Yami Yugi.

"No…I no I didn't!" Yami Yugi said nervously.

"Liar! Get back here!" Ryou yelled running after Yami Yugi.

"Ryou? Ryou! Where's Ryou!" Bakura asked panicking.

"I'll lock the doors!" Marik said locking the door.

"I'll die…again." Yami Marik said.

"Resume…fetal…position." Bakura said slowly rocking. "Where Is Ryou? Where is Ryou? Where is Ryou?"

"Bakura…I think you need therapy. I'll be glad to give you therapy as your bestest best friend." Marik said happily.

"No-o-o-o-o-o-o-o!" Bakura said putting his nails into the rug,

"Let's go Baku." Marik said dragging him.

"Someone! Please! Anyone! Save me!" Bakura begged getting dragged away.

(To be continued)

Ahh, another story completed. Feels very good. Looks at bakura

Bakura: still in fetal position

Don't worry Baku. you'll see Ryou soon...inthe next bazillion chapters grabs a flashlight and laughs evilly

Bakura: What about...the therapy?

Marik: You're going to have a great time...I promise. head spins in a complete cirlce

Bakura: screams

Losers...I still love them! RR pwease! .>


	2. Therapy

Ryou's Gone! (Part 2)

Previously on Yu-gi-oh…I mean Ryou's gone…Part 1….

Ryou left Bakura a note saying he was just…leaving. Bakura had a panic attack and remained in feta position. Marik being his "bestest best" friend offered himself to be Bakura's therapist…

Catchy theme song plays 

It was a late afternoon…Bakura was _still_ locked in his house this time with Marik. _Dramatic music plays_. As Ryou chased after Yami Yugi for giving Bakura coffee

Over with Ryou who was half way around the world aready…

"Yami Yugi you can't run forever! I'm going to scar you for life for giving my Yami coffee!" Ryou yelled.

"I swear I didn't give it to him! It was the directors I swear!" Yami Yugi screamed panting and jumping over quick sand.

Directors whistle innocently.

Over with Bakura and Marik now…

Bakura awoke with his coffee meter low and panic meter…pretty low too. He yawned. "I'm itchy again. Oh but I know where it is now." Bakura said scratching his left ass cheek again. "Wait…it wasn't itchy there this time. Where is my itchy spot! Where! Where!" He screamed throwing himself on the floor rolling around scratching himself. "Ahh, hit the spot." He said scratching his _right_ ass cheek.

"Mmm-hmm very pe-cu-liar." Marik said sounding "peculiar" out and writing something in a notepad.

"Oh my Ra! It's monster! A hideous monster!" Bakura screamed covering his eyes.

"…It's just me Bakura…Marik." Marik said calmly.

Bakura stayed quiet. "Ahh! A hideous monster!" He screamed again and chuckling to himself.

"You're a bitch. I'm writing you up. Are you ready for our therapy session?" Marik asked patting to the couch.

"Therapy? What therapy! No one told me about therapy! Where's Ryou! Ryou. Ryou! Where's Ryou!" Bakura screamed running around the house several times…like…before.

"Mmm-hmm. Scratching of the butt, rolling on the floor screaming "I can't find my itchy spot", strange running around the house screaming Ryou's name. Very strange indeed. He definitely needs my help. With my experts in therapism…I'm sure to bring him down to earth. He's in critical condition…I don't know if I might be able to save him…_Dramatic music plays and Marik grabs a flashlight_ from himself." Marik said writing everything he said down.

Bakura screamed running around the house till he tripped and lost one of his teeth. "A note!" He screamed.

_Dear Bakura._

_I left._

_Love…I mean sincerely _

Ryou 

"Those wretched thieves have stolen him again! Damn them…but wait…I used to be a thief…damn those thieves…excluding me." Bakura said.

"What he doesn't know…is that's the same letter from yesterday. Poor soul." Marik said. He giggled. "I sound smart!" He said clapping his hands like an idiot.

Bakura started sniffing the floor and noticed a strand of white hair.

"He's sniffing the floor…interesting. His disease is in it's critical stage. I must…_fuck what's that smart sounding world for begin? Terminate? Oh that terminator movie was awesome! Oh shit I'm watching it again tonight._ I must begin his therapy immediately. " Marik said writing "Watch Terminator" on the notepad.

"Look Marik! Proof that Ryou was kidnapped! He would not carelessly leave his delicate soft hair on the floor like this unless he was in a struggle." Bakura said.

"Yea with the brush. Bakura sit…better yet…lay down we must start on your therapy…you're dieing as we speak." Marik said.

"Dieing of what! I brush my teeth. Take a bath once a week. Eat every so often. What am I dieing from?" Bakura asked laying on the couch.

"I don't know Bakura…I just…don't know yet." Marik said dramatically.

There was a moment of silence.

"You take a bath once a week too? Alright. Up top." Marik said waiting for a high five.

"No." Bakura said.

"Asshole." Marik said.

Bakura got up and walked to the fridge.

"He's got a sort of waddle in his walk. I see how…he waddles over to the fridge and…what's this…drinking out of the carton…tsk tsk tsk." Marik said writing is down.

Bakura "Waddled" back to the couch and laid down.

"Ok Bakura. Shall we start?" Marik asked.

"Start what?" Bakura asked.

"Therapy." Marik said.

"What's therapy! No one told me anything about therapy! Where's Ryou! Ryou? Ryou! Ryou! Is the door locked?" Bakura asked in fetal position.

"Yes. We're locked in together." Marik said.

Bakura started screaming hysterically and slapping Marik.

There was a thump in the chimney room.

"A thief!" Bakura screamed climbing all over Marik's head.

"Want me to go see?" Marik asked.

"Yes. You die first. I mean…no no I mean that." Bakura said.

Yugi walked in.

Bakura growls. "Yugi."

"Have any of you seen my Yami?" Yugi asked.

"Maybe he died! Maybe he's off raping Ryou somewhere that little thief who stole Ryou! I hope he's dead and if he is dead why the fuck couldn't he have killed you and in his will saying he left his millennium puzzle to me to make the world a much better place!" Bakura asked twitchily and coughing.

"You're weird. Where's Ryou? Ryou knows how to calm you." Yugi asked.

"Ryou! Why did you have to leave me? So young…so fragile." Bakura cried.

"Maybe you were annoying." Marik said.

"Annoying?" Bakura said in confusion.

"Yugi…" Bakura growled. "Yugi." "Ok Bakura I get it you don't have to growl anymore! Yugi leave…we were gonna do therapy." Marik said.

"If you see my Yami…tell him to come home…he promised he would teach me how to duel because I suck and I always need his help in everything because I'm just so pathetic and I can't take care of myself." Yugi said climbing up the chimney.

"Alright…Bakura. Do you feel lonely? Depressed?" Marik asked.

"Well…I do feel lonely. I mean Ryou just…left me and he didn't even say goodbye. Just like that movie…Lassie with the dog and the little boy. I mean the dog just died on the kid…without saying goodbye." Bakura sniffed.

"I see. Do those type of movies…do they make you sad?" Marik asked.

"Well…when I watched it with Ryou…I laughed my ass off, but the when he wasn't there with me I cried." Bakura said.

"Very strange. Now…what do you like to eat?" Marik asked

"What does this have to do with anything?" Bakura asked.

"Answer the question bitch or Ryou gets it!" Marik shouted.

"Steak!" Bakura shouted quickly.

"Interesting. When I said I would endanger Ryou…you panicked." Marik said writing more stuff down.

"What are you writing in there anyway?" Bakura asked.

"Are you the therapist! Are you! I think not I ask questions you just be stupid enough to answer." Marik said angrily. "Now…do you have like…feelings?" he asked.

"Yes I have feelings Marik. I have this feeling you're being a total bitch to me. I write all my feelings in a journal." Bakura said.

"As in a dairy?" Marik asked.

"No a journal. Dairies are for girls. Journals are for boys. Dairygirls. Journalguys. Dairy…girls. Journal…guys. Guys…journals. Girls…dair

"Ok I get it dammit! What do you write in this "journal?" Marik asked.

"I told you." Bakura said.

"May I read your dairy…journal?" Marik asked.

"It wouldn't be a "secret" journal if you read it. You obviously don't know the rules of a journal." Bakura said folding his arms.

"Why do you always go into fetal position?" Marik asked.

"It's comfortable." Bakura replied.

Marik tried getting into fetal position. "What the hell man it's like strangling yourself." Marik said.

"Wimp." Bakura said feeling proud of himself being in fetal position.

"Now I'm going to show you pictures you tell me what you see in them." Marik said.

Picture number one.

"Ryou." Bakura said.

Picture number two.

"Um…Ryou." Bakura said.

Picture number three.

"Ry-ou." Bakura said.

Picture number four.

"Yep. Yep. Definitely Ryou." Bakura said.

Marik sighed. Picture number five.

"Bakura…beating up Marik." Bakura said.

"Well…you seem to have…a liking…correction "obsession" with Ryou." Marik said.

"No I don't." Bakura said stubbornly.

"Yes you do." Marik said.

"No I don't." Bakura said.

"Yes!"

"No!"

"Si!"

"No!"

"No!"

"No!" Bakura screamed.

"Damn…am I the only stupid one! You didn't fall for it. You were supposed to say yes when I said no." Marik said.

"Well I'm not stupid like you." Bakura said.

They heard the doorknob rattling.

"It's Ryou! He's come back! Abort…fetal…position." Bakura said running to the door. "Ryou! Ryou! I can't open the door! It's too smart for me!" He screamed.

"Mail service." The mailman said.

"You stole Ryou!" Bakura yelled banging on the door.

"Delivery for Bakura from…Ryou." The mailman said.

Bakura peeked through the mail slot. "How do you know me?" Bakura asked.

"I don't." The mailman said.

"But you know my name…how?" Bakura asked.

"It says it on this letter." The mailman said.

"How do you know my address?" Bakura asked narrowing his eyes.

"What the fuck is this 20 questions! I'm a mailman I deliver mail I got this from across the world from some stupid kid named Ryou." The mailman said.

"Don't you call him stupid or it's a one way trip to the shadow realm!" Bakura yelled sticking his hand through the slot and trying to get the mailman.

The mailman stuck the letter though the slot and ran off.

"My arm…it's stuck! Mairk help me!" Bakura screamed.

Bakura grabbed the letter and ripped it open with his teeth.

_Dear Bakura,_

_Gutentag! I'm in Germany. I…left._

_Sincerely (haha I got it right this time) _

_Ryou_

_P.S…I was not taken by thieves or "aliums" Love you…aw…crap. _

Bakura spit the letter out. "He wasn't taken by thieves or aliums…looks like they gave up, but there's still one more suspect. Growls. "Yugi…or it could be Yami Marik…but my best bets on…Growls. Yugi." He said.

"One more question Bakura. Why when you say Yugi…" Bakura growls. "Yugi." Marik sighs. "When you say… IT'S name…you growl?" Marik asked.

"Bakura because I hate him with this fierce passion. I want him dead! Dead I tell you! I want to see him squirm and die and hand over the puzzle and kiss my feet." Bakura said laughing maniacally.

"Well at least his laugh is normal. I'm going home for a while. I need to sum up my notes. I'll be back shortly." Marik said unlocking the door and walking out leaving Bakura's body outside.

"I'm free… I'm free! I'm outside! The air! Oh the sunlight! The birds! The people! Yugi! Growls. "Yugi" The—

"Sorry I accidently left you outside." Marik said putting Bakura's body inside and leaving his arm stuck in the mail slot.

"Dammit." He cursed.

Bakura started singing and felt someone outside. "Who's there!" He asked opeing the mail slot.

"It's me. Yami Marik. Open the door." Yami Marik said not noticing Bakura's arm sticking out of the mail slot.

"Why so you could kidnap me too!" Bakura asked grabbing his leg.

"Oh shit! There's an arm outside you mail slot!" Yami Marik yelled stepping on it.

"Ow! Bitch that's my arm! I'm stuck." Bakura said wiggling his arm.

"Unlock the door I can help you get out." Yami Marik said.

"I can't! It's too smart for me. I dunno how to work it. And why do you wanna help me…so you can kidnap me too huh? Huh! Huh!" Bakura asked.

"I didn't steal Ryou Bakura. Now for that I'm not helping you. Have fun for _Dramatic music plays_ the rest of your life…with you arm sticking out the door. WITHOUT Ryou!" Yami Marik yelled laughing evilly and walked off.

"The only thing left…is me…and this…coffee." Bakura said staring at the coffee that miraculously popped up near him.

He eyed the coffee. "I'm not supposed to have coffee for another hour…but…what the hell? It can't hurt me." He said drinking it.

He sat calmly till he had A TWITCHING ATTACK!

"Coffee! Coffee! Coffee! Coffee! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! MORE! MORE! MORE! COFFEE COFFEE COFFEE!" Bakura screamed laughing.

"Bakura I'm home!" Ryou shouted opening the door and smacking Bakura's face into the wall.

"Coffee! Coffee! Coffee!" Bakura muffled in the wall hyperly and twitching.

Ryou saw the empty coffee cup and a note that said:

_Courtesy of Yami Yugi. _

"I know it was him." Ryou said crumbling the paper and narrowing his eyes.

"AAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! COFFEE!" Bakura continued screaming.

Ryou grabbed some butter and slipped Bakura's arm out of the mail slot.

"Ryou's alive! Yugi… Growls. "Yugi" brought you back…or it could've been Yami Marik." Bakura said.

"Here Bakura take a pill. You're too hyper again." Ryou said slipping him a pill.

"Marik says I'm gonna die." Bakura cried.

"Marik's stupid." Ryou said.

"Are you implying that I'm stupid too!" Bakura asked angrily.

"Of course not. You're very smart." Ryou said.

"Really. You too. Like oh my god Ryou. Like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like… Ryou slapped Bakura and he giggled. "Oh my god." He finished.

"I've lost him." Ryou said dramatically.

"Like do these pants make my butt look to big? And what about this hat? This shirt? Are my boobs big? Wait! Oh my god! Where are my boobs!" Bakura screamed like a cheerleading type blond.

"You never had boobs Bakura." Ryou said.

"God didn't bless me with big boobs." Bakura cried going into fetal postion.

"I've done it! I've figured out Bakura's disease!" Marik screamed running in through the door.

"I know too. I'm boobless." He sobbed hugging Ryou.

"No. Bakura has…penguinitis." Marik said.

"What the—what's that?" Ryou asked.

"He will slowly turn into…a penguin." Marik said.

"That's stupid." Ryou said.

"My charts indicate everything." Marik said showing him pictures of a baby penguin turning into an adult penguin. "At one point of Bakura's penguin life…he will look cute…after that he's really ugly." He added ending his slideshow.

"I'm turning into a penguin! It makes sense. My obsessive love for penguins, my boobless body, my thing for the color black and white…I am…a penguin!" Bakura cried.

"Oh…my god. I'm leaving." Ryou said shutting the door.

"Ryou! Where's Ryou! Ryou! Ryou! E's been abducted! By…penguins!" Bakura screamed going into fetal position again.

"Coffee?" Marik offered.

"sure." Bakura said drinking his coffee.

Marik called 911.

"COFFEE! COFFEE! COFFEE! COFFEE! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAA!" Bakura laughing evilly screaming.

"You called?" The police asked.

"Yes. Take him away. He's on drugs. He's taking cocaine and smuggling them too me. He's crazy just look at him." Marik whispered.

The police looked at Bakura twitching and screaming rolling around on the floor.

"You're right. Should we give him the jacket?" The police asked.

"It's the only way to save humanity." Marik said.

"You're coming with us kid." The police said grabbing Bakura.

"Oh no! The po-lice! I didn't do anything!" Bakura screamed twitching

"Yes you have it's solitary confinement for you kid." The police said dragging Bakura on the floor.

"Save me Marik! Ryou?1 Where's Ryou! Ryou!" He screamed twitching and crying. He picked up the letter.

_Dear Bakura,_

_Gutentag! I'm in Germany. I…left._

_Sincerely (haha I got it right this time) _

_Ryou_

_P.S…I was not taken by thieves or "aliums" Love you…aw…crap._

Bakura gasped. He's with Yugi. Growls "Yugi" or Yami Marik in this bizarre place called Ger-man-y. He's been kidnapped by nazi penguins and Yami Marik and…growls "Yugi." He said. "I MUST SAVE HIM! But I'm getting sent to solitary confinement! Ryou save me! Marik you're right there save me!

Marik walked away.

"Bitch! When I get back from this place and rescue Ryou…it's the shadow realm for you!" He screamed getting dragged away…in fetal postion.

To be continued.

Good…another chapter done. R&R.

Bakura: Do I really have to get sent to solitary confinement?

Yes…you do. I wanted to picture you in the jacket.

Bakura: When will Ryou come back?

Never! (Grabs a flashlight and laughs evilly)

Bakura: Goes into fetal position.


	3. Solitary Confinement

Dun dun da da

The warden threw a party in the county jail.

Dun dun da da

The prison band was there and they began to wail.

Dun Dun da da  
The band was jumping and the joint began to swing.

Dun dun da da  
You should've heard those knocked out jailbirds sing.

Dun dun da da  
Lets rock, everybody, let's rock.

Dun dun da da   
Everybody in the whole cellblock

Dun dun da da  
Was dancing to the jailhouse rock…

_Imitates piano keys _tinkle tinkle twinky twink twink twi

"Shut up!" The police screamed smacking Bakura. "You're not going to jail you're going to solitary confinement!"

"Damn can't I sing a little bit of Elvis! Reese's! I'm going to…solitary confinement! No one told me about this! You're lying you're taking me to see Ryou! You had me going there for a second coppers." Bakura said laughing.

"Room 105. This is your new home crazy guy." The police said throwing Bakura inside.

"Oh my god! Rape! Rape! Rape!" Bakura screamed as they put the jacket on him.

"He really is crazy. We have to give Marik an infinite amount of money for just…handing this guy over." The police said.

"It's…it's so dark in here…so warm. No body pissed in here right?" Bakura asked sticking his head out of a little window for food.

"No dammit! Shut up!" The police screamed.

Bakura looked around and saw his shadow. "Ryou! Oh my god! Ryou you're here too! Ryou! Oh Ryou! It's been like…forever!" He screamed jumping on his shadow.

"Wow…you lost a lot of weight Ryou. Those aliums…they haven't been feeding you huh! Huh! Wait till I get them! But maybe it wasn't the aliums…maybe it was Growls…"Yugi" or Yami Marik…and with Marik…as a new culprit. He's such a bad therapist. It's all his fault I'm in jail." Bakura said still talking to his shadow.

"It's Solitary confinement!" The cop yelled outside his door. "Who's he talking to anyway?" A cop asked. "I dunno himself maybe." The 2nd cop asked. "OoOoOh. Schizophrenia?" The 1st cop asked. "Uh-huh." The 2nd cop replied. "Uh-hmm. My uncle had that." The 1st cop asked. "Oh really? And how's he doing?" The 2nd cop asked. "He's dead." The 1st cop said. "Ooh. Pity." The 2nd cop asked. "Yea-huh." The 1st cop said calmly. "You sure it was schizophrenia he died from?" The cops continued.

"Ryou they're stupid…it's been…" He widens his eyes. Oh…no. I'm…itchy! I'm itchy my ass! Oh!" He screamed trying to get his hands out of the jacket. "Oh my god! Help! My itching! Someone! Help! I'm itchy." He started going in circles around the ground like the dogs when they are on a carpet I guess scratching _their_ ass.

"Should we help him?" A cop asked another cop.

"Dude…it's on his ass." The cop that got asked the question replied.

"So…! If you got a bad itch on your ass and you were strapped in a jacket…you'd want that itch to go away wouldn't you! Wouldn't you!" The cop asked tearing up and making his eyes big. Bakura was heard screaming hysterically.

"Well…when you put it that way…" The 2nd cop said sadly and opened Bakura's door.

"We're here to scratch your ass." The cop said. "Oh thank you Ra! It's killing me!" Bakura said mooning them…with his pants on…

"Who's gonna do it?" The 2nd cop asked.

"I'm dying here!" Bakura screamed.

"You were all dramatic about it you touch it." The 2nd cop said.

The 1st cop inched his hand to Bakura's butt. "Which cheek?" He asked.

"Hmm…the right." Bakura said.

The 1st cop scratched Bakura's butt and waited for Bakura's reply.

"Try the left." Bakura said.

The 1st cop obeyed and scratched his left ass cheek.

"No…not there…it's all the way…up." Bakura said.

The cop…stuck it all the way up and heard Bakura yell.

"Ow Reese's! My ass! Are you trying to make me vomit from my ass! It's on my shoulder not _in_ my ass. Ow!" He screamed.

"Are you fucking serious all this pain and suffering and your itch was on your shoulder the whole time!" The 1st cop screamed.

"I can't feel my own itches!" Bakura screamed.

The cops stayed quiet except from the 1st cop smelling his finger.

……

He died on the spot.

"Phil! What did you do!" The 2nd cop asked picking up "Phil" who was the 1st cop.

"Well I'd die too if I smelled that finger. I mean…I only bathe once a week." Bakura said smirking.

"John…I'm…I'm sorry." Phil coughed dramatically. "It looks like…I…I won't have…tea this afternoon with you." Croaks.

"Phil. Phil! Phil!" John (also the 1st cop) screamed dramatically.

"Oh please. He was stupid enough to smell his finger. You don't need him." Bakura said.

"That's it! I can't work with you!" The 2nd cop said crying and carrying off Phil.

The door shut close.

Bakura heard breathing from a far right corner and turned on the light.

He screamed and saw…A RED MEXICAN!

"Oh...I didn't know I had company." Bakura said looking strangely at it.

"I…didn't…know…either." The red Mexican said.

"Oh…where was I. So Ryou…" His shadow was gone. "Ryou! Oh my god! Ryou was kidnapped by them evil cops and Nazi penguins! Or Growls…"Yugi" Or Yami Marik…and now Marik."

"See…I know where this…Ryou feller went." The red Mexican said.

"Really! Where!" Bakura asked grabbing the Mexicans shirt with his teeth on the count of the jacket. He spit it back out when he saw fungi growing on it.

"How long have you been here?" Bakura asked.

"Forever. Ever since I was a litter feller kitty cat. I playder wither yarner and I hadder them fellers. Huh huh—snorts—huh huh." The red Mexican said.

_He actually has a reason being here_, "BUT he knows where Ryou is! Tell me!" Bakura ordered.

"Turn off the orb." The red Mexican said.

"Orb. What the fuck is an orb!" Bakura asked.

"La luz." (The light in Spanish) The red Mexican said.

"Listen I don't speak shit tell me!" Bakura said angrily.

"Light! The light shit head!" The red Mexican said insanely.

Bakura turned off the light and saw his shadow again "Ryou! You're back! Red Mexican I love…ok never mind that." Bakura said staring at how ugly the red Mexican was.

The light got turned back on.

"Ryou! Ryou! Oh Ryou! He left me again! Damn you aliums…Growls "Yugi" Or Yami Mairk…or Marik too." He screamed going into fetal position.

"Food." The cop said throwing stuff at them.

The red Mexican ate loudly and ate part of the floor.

Bakura rocked in fetal position and felt something crumbling in his pocket. He saw a white tip coming out of his pocket and reached for it with his teeth.

"A letter! Ryou used his powers and sent me a letter! He does miss me! He is worrying about me!" Bakura said crazily opening the letter with his tongue.

_Dear Bakura, _

_Gutentag! I'm in Germany. I…left._

_Sincerely (haha I got it right this time) _

_Ryou_

_P.S…I was not taken by thieves or "aliums" Love you…aw…crap._

"He's…in this alien place called…Ger-many." Bakura said mispronouncing Germany. I have to get out of here! I must get Ryou! Ryou! Ryou! Ryou!" He screamed returning to fetal position.

A few days later…

"He's been in fetal position for two weeks already…you don't think he's permanently shaped like that now do you?" Phil (the cop that died who had now been revived) asked.

"Let the mailman check him he had a letter for this kid anyway." The 2nd cop asked.

"Bakura? You've got mail." The mailman said.

"AOL?" Bakura asked looking out the food window.

"No it's the mailman. I have a letter for you Bakura." The mailman said.

"It's…it's you again! You're that dude…with the white hat…that gets chased by dogs. Manicotti. (Manicotti is an Italian food)

"Mailman. Mailman dumbass!" The mailman screamed.

"You're the guy that knows my name…and…YOU KIDNAPPED RYOU! I remember! You know my name! You knew my address! You knew Ryou! You did it!" Bakura yelled sticking his head out of the food window and trying to get the mailman with his teeth.

The mailman stuck the letter in Bakura's mouth. "Keep him in their forever!" He said running away quickly.

Bakura pulled his head forcefully out of the little tiny window and ripped the envelope with his teeth.

_Dear Bakura,_

_Where the hell are you! I've been home for the past few weeks! I'm dying to see you. I finally caught Yami Yugi. He's in time out for give you coffee. _

_Come home soon,_

_Ryou (Ha! I didn't' say it!)_

Bakura started screaming hysterically. "He's home! They returned Ryou! I must get out I must!" He screamed going into fetal position.

"He still has 3 more days in here. What are the odds this Ryou fella will leave?" Phil asked.

Bakura rocked in fetal position. "Ryou! Ryou! Must see Ryou! Back home! Free! From…ALIUMS! And Growls "YUGI!" And…YAMI MARIK or…MARIK!" Bakura screamed everyone's name.

"I know a way…for ye to getter outter." The red Mexican said.

"How!" Bakura screeched.

"Eat ye floorererer." The red Mexican said.

Bakura desperately started chewing on the floor.

"Bakura?" Marik asked from the food window.

Bakura lifted his face and stopped chewing on the floor. "Marik! You kidnapped Ryou!" Bakura yelled.

"Great I'm his new culprit." Marik said. _I love that word let me add it to my smart col-lec-tion of words._

"I know you did! I know it! You did it! Don't hide it! It's true! I saw! You…kidnap! Ryou!" Bakura screamed going into fetal position and rocking quickly.

"I brought you something…but it was Yami Yugi…not me. Here's his note." Marik said slipping in the food window some…_dramatic music plays_ coffee.

Bakura grabbed the mug with his teeth and drank it.

"Watch him closely." Marik whispered to the cops and ran off.

Bakura twitched and grunted.

"Wait for it. Wait…for…it." Phil said eyeing Bakura carefully.

"COFFEE! COFFEE! OH THAT COFFEE! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAAAAAAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAA!" Bakura screamed laughing crazily.

"Ay mi madre! (Oh my god in Spanish)" The red Mexican screamed.

"Get me out of here! Auxilio! Auxilio! (Help! Help! In Spanish)"

Bakura laughed crazily and ran around the room. He grabbed the note Marik gave him that said _Courtesy of Yami Yugi_ and gave it to the cop. "G-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-give I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-it to R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-Ryou!" He stuttered rapidly.

The cop ran quickly and heard Bakura laughing crazily.

A few days later…

"Mr. Bakura we are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted to Hogwarts…I mean are free to go." The cop said.

Bakura twitched. His coffee meter was low but Ryou panic meter was still high.

"Where's the red Mexican guy?" The cop asked.

"I ate him." Bakura said calmly.

"I think we should leave you in there you are not well." The cop said.

"NO-O-O-O-O-O-O! I MUST SEE RYOU! Ryou! Ryou!" Bakura screamed dropping on the floor in fetal position.

"Is that comfortable?" Phil asked.

"Very." Bakura said rocking.

Phil tried getting into fetal position and died.

"Phil! Phil oh no! Not again! John screamed crying.

"Wimp." Bakura said proud to be still the only one that's able to get into fetal position.

"Ok…just…just go!" The cop screamed crying frightened of Bakura.

Bakura walked outside. "The outside! The sun! The birds! Yugi! Growls "Yugi". What! Nazi penguins! Yami Marik! Marik! All of Ryou's kidnappers!" Bakura screamed.

The Nazi penguins passed by him casually.

"Niet!" A penguin squawked like Adolph Hitler.

"I better not waste time! Ryou's finally home!" Bakura said taking one step before a mailman's car pulled in front of him.

"Letter for Bakura." The mailman said.

"Why are you stalking me!" Bakura screamed. "How do you know me!" He screamed again.

The mail car drove off.

Bakura opened the letter…which read.

_Dear Bakura,_

_I…left. Yami Yugi escaped me and I ran off after him. I seemed to have lost him by the Bermuda Triangle. I found Amelia Earheart Bakura and some missing boats. I won't see you for a long time Baku. _

_Sincerely, (I'm getting pretty good at this)_

_Ryou._

Bakura dropped to his knees. "Ryou! Ryou! Why! I was…so close!" He screamed.

"Are you ready for your therapy Bakura?" Marik asked popping out from nowhere.

"Yes Marik. _It's where I will make my move and kill you. Then when I kill you…I'm going after Growls…"Yugi" and Yami Marik that Nazi penguin that strongly reminded me of Adolph Hitler and them Aliums and then Yami Marik AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!_

Bakura dropped down to fetal position and let Marik drag him home.

"I trust you are well from your Peguinitis disease. It's only a matter of time before you look like a penguin." Marik said.

"_And then…I'll have to kill myself because…I was someone who stole Ryou. But don't worry Marik you and Growls "Yugi" and Yami Marik and Nazi Penguins will all be dead! I'll take my therapy…I may be really crazy after my solitary confinement days…but when it's over…so will your life and everybody elses. AHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!_

Bakura laughed evilly and saw Marik already writing stuff in his notebook.

Bakura smirked evilly and secretly started sharpening his pocketknife.

(To be continued)


	4. Bakura's Revenge on everyone

(In order to get some of this chapter you need to have read chapter 3)

"_One two Bakura's coming for you _

_Three four gonna drop you to the floor (in fetal position)_

_Five six he might beat you with sticks _

_Seven eight he'll run you over with skates _

_Nine ten he knows a guy named Glenn…"_

Bakura chuckled evilly at his new song.

"Why are you laughing? I'm going to bom…bom…bombard you with tons of questions today!" Marik said. _Whew…glad I remembered the smart word "bombard" I didn't even know I could remember. This is a new achievement I have to write this in Marik's "Great big book of things he didn't know he could remember" _

It's…Marik's…Great big book of things he didn't know he could remember

It's got all his remembrances inside

See the world around him…

This books…not that great of a guide…"

"Shut up you dumb cat and dog! I'm calling them Chinese people to eat you! My "Great big book of things I didn't know I could remember" will win a Newberry award and prove to everyone that I am not smart." Marik said.

"Don't you mean you are smart…" "Whoa…what am I saying? Did I just call Marik smart? I truly am losing it! Ryou! Look what you not being here is doing to me! I complimented Marik!" Bakura started crying.

"It's not bad. Complimenting people is good. It makes them feel good about themselves. It makes them free…wild…um…

"Where are you going with this?" Bakura asked rocking in fetal position in the grass.

"I was thinking about a wild, free running boar… but I meant to say that people like being complimented which is your first lesson of the day. The complimentation of people." Marik said. _Oooh I like that word! I don't even know if it's really but it sure sounds smart!_

"Complimentation…isn't a word dumbass and I don't wanna do that! I hate complimenting people. It makes me lose my evil badass looking face tone. I start smiling and everyone laughs and runs away from me screaming." Bakura said sticking his bottom lip out and remembering the first time he smiled.

"Aww. I'm sure your smile isn't all that bad." Marik said patting Bakura's shoulder.

"Really?" Bakura asked making his eyes big and biting his lip with big eyes.

"I'm sure it's not bad. I mean it's a smile. Everyone has a nice smile. Like me for example." Marik smiled. "I have an excruciating smile."

We pause this scene of Bakura and Marik to give you the 5th grade spelling Bee! Wheeee!

Teacher: Spell…excruciating.

Girl: E-x-c-r-u-c-I-a-t-I-n-g. Ex-cru-cia-ting.

Teacher: Very good do you know what it means?

Girl: To inflict severe pain on; torture or to inflict mental distress on.

Teacher: Can you use it in a sentence?

Girl: Marik Ishtar has an excruciating smile. His smile inflicts severe pain or torture to humans and animals causing them to acquire mental distress.

Teacher: Excellent first place.

…….

Back with Marik and Bakura.

"Alright so my smile gives you mental defects who cares it's still perfect." Marik said folding his arms. "Now as your therapist and having this fake degree…I mean "real" _cough cough_ degree in therapism…I command you to show me your smile." Marik ordered.

"You sure? I don't really want to go through…my pained past of smiling again." Bakura said sniffing.

"I'm sure it's not all bad. Come on…show me." Marik said smiling.

Bakura scrunched up his face at Marik's retarded smile and tried ignoring it.

"Come on show me." Marik said again still smiling.

Bakura began to tear.

"Bakura." Marik said _still_ smiling.

"Alright ok! Damn just…stop smiling! Oh the mental-ness the pain and severe torment!" Bakura cried.

"Gees how hurtful and harsh. I'm sorry. Your eyes just couldn't resist this tooth paste um…oriented mouth commercialist…ists." Marik said confused.

"You make a retard seem smart Marik. Stop tying to be smart. It's not working. You're only being stupid and your book of remembrances will never win a Newberry award. And your smile…drop it it's not pretty soon everyone in this word will be just as mental and fucked up as you…but thus…will still and forevermore be smarter than…uh you!" Bakura said.

Marik started sniffing and tried controlling his crying. "You…you hurt my…my feelings." He cried.

Marik abruptly stopped crying and cleared his mind. "Now as your therapist, I ordered you to smile. Don't make me smile." Marik said.

Bakura's bottom lip trembled. "I…I don't wanna." He said stubbornly.

"SMILE DAMMIT OR RYOU'S GONNA GET IT!" Marik screamed pulling out a Ryou doll and ripping it apart.

"Ryou! Oh Ryou! You killed him! I can't believe you! Bring him back!" Bakura yelled crying.

A few minutes later…

Marik sewed the doll.

"Now! You smile or…" He made a cracking noise with his mouth and pointed at Ryou.

Bakura looked at Ryou's badly sewn body and the scissor Marik had close to it's neck. "Ok…you win. I'll…I'll…-shudders-I'll smile." Bakura said.

"Excellent." Marik said smiling.

Bakura screamed and covered his eyes.

"Oh sorry I forgot." Marik said still smiling.

_What's keeping me alive from this! Knowing Ryou's gone or…my revenge on all these bitches! How can I still be standing it's like looking at death in the face…Damn Marik's ugly. Look at that…eyebrow I mean…it looks like a caterpillar and talk about being cock-eyed. I've heard of a few defects…but damn…Marik's full of them. His mom and dad must have been pretty damn ugly to make this child._

"Well stop looking at my pretty face…" Bakura coughed hysterically and grabbed a glass of water. "As I was saying, stop looking at my pretty face and…" Bakura coughed again and sipped more water. Marik growled. "Stop looking at my face…" Marik waited for Bakura to cough.

"Why'd you stop talking?" Bakura asked.

"Bitch." Marik mumbled. Anyway, smile or Ryou gets a snipped head." He said.

Bakura started sweating and rocking in fetal position for a few minutes. "I will get you back Ryou and after I kill him…I'll save you." He whispered.

He rose to his feet and inhaled deeply. "Get ready." Bakura said sighing.

He scrunched up his face and put on a forced smile.

"HOLY SHIT! WHAT THE HELL!" Marik screamed.

He fell on the floor and died.

Stan (from south park): Oh my god he killed Marik!

Kyle: You bastard!

Bakura smirked and rubbed his hands. "Just need Yami Marik Yugi…Growls "Yugi" those penguins and the aliums." He walked away.

A few days later…

We are…gathered here today…on the death of our good friend…" Bakura coughed. "Good friend…" He coughed again. "Friend Marik. He was a good, loyal person gave people therapy but for some reason they all went mad." The preist said.

"You got that right bitch!" Bakura said.

"We will never forget Marik Ishtar." The priest finished.

"I know I will." Bakura mumbled. "I-ahem- I have a few words to say about Marik." He said standing up and kicking the priest away. "Marik…what to say what to say? He was…not loyal, not nice, was a total bitch to me and for Ra's sake of everyone getting mental disabilities and turning crazy it was for the good of the world. Not that anyone would want that. Marik…deserved his death. He locked me in my house every time, gave me bad therapy and was stupid. He said I had a disease called penguinist that I do not believe because I do not think it's possible to honestly turn into a penguin. He made me crazy and he was the one giving me coffee. He sent my to S.C or solitary confinement or hell, AND HE KIDNAPPED RYOU AND I'M GLAD HE'S DEAD! I technically killed him but it's his fault…he made me smile. May he rest in peace…in hell. Thank you." He said fake crying hysterically and walking away.

He put a check mark on Marik's name on his "Death to cause" list. "Next death…Yami Marik." He said laughing evilly and then coughing.

Yami Marik was at the museum watching TV when Bakura stepped in.

"Yami Marik baby. How are you doing today?" Bakura asked blocking the TV.

"Fine till you blocked the TV. Did you find Ryou?" Yami Marik asked.

Bakura's eye twitched and spoke to Yami Marik in fetal position. "No I didn't. Wanna know why! Because you hid him somewhere! You kidnapped Ryou and stashed him away in your fat stomach you fatass!" Bakura screamed.

Ishizu came in. "Marik died." She said.

Bakura cheered and stopped abruptly. "The poor thing. What happened?" He asked pretending to be sad.

"Probably thought for a long time." Yami Marik laughed with Bakura. He lifted his hand for a high five with Bakura.

"No." Bakura said as he stopped laughing.

"I'm going to throw out his stuff and moving in his room god forbid I have to sleep with you again. You wet dreamer." Ishizu said walking away.

"Dude you piss your bed. How old are you?" Bakura asked narrowing his eyes.

"3 dude. I'm 3." Yami Marik replied.

"A 3 YEAR OLD HAS BEEN STEALING RYOU! You're a prodigy!" Bakura said shocked. "I can…I can use your brain for money and sell you to a zoo for psychopaths where the lions could eat you." Bakura said rubbing Yami Marik's head.

He looked down at Yami Marik and grabbed his knife. "I must have your brain." He said cutting Yami Marik's head open.

_Little Link song plays_ (the one where you get a new item and it goes like dun dun dun daaaaaa hehehe)

You got Yami Marik's brain! Use it wisely.

"Oh I will. I will." Bakura said kissing the brain.

Stan (…again): Oh my god! He killed Yami Marik!

Kyle: You bastard!

Bakura shoved the brain in his pants and waited for the funeral.

"Well that's two deaths in one day. Someone or something must have it in for the Ishtar's." The priest said.

"Damn straight. I have his brain. A brain this beautiful can't afford to be in such an ugly body. Can you imagine this brain in Marik's body?" Bakura mimicked Marik. "The circumference of a circle is diameter times pie…mmm…pie."

"Anyway I have to say my stuff. Yami Marik was ugly too I got his brain he deserved to die he was nothing to me yadda yadda yadda most importantly HE STOLE RYOU!" He cried. He walked off patting the brain.

Yugi skipped happily in the park wearing a hippy shirt and made a hairstyle of the "peace" sign. "Ah Bakura. How do you do?" Yugi asked.

Growls. "_Yugi"_ "Good…till I saw your ugly face. Haha nice hair. Hey is the gay convention at your house?" Bakura asked.

"No it's at my Yami's." Yugi said.

"Dude…anyway! So Yugi…growls "Yugi" we've been…fri-fr-frie-frien-fri-fri-fri…fri-ends for such a long time now. I'm sorry I've been after your puzzle. I never meant you any harm. You're my best fri-fri-fri-fr-fr-fr-fri-fri-end Yugi. Growls "Yugi" Bakura sniffs. "I love you man. You're awesome! Put me in your best friends collage." Bakura said hugging Yugi.

"Aww! Bakura…I didn't know you felt that way! Every time you growled I always thought you growled because you hated me I didn't know it was a friendship growl." Yugi said.

"There's a friendship growl? Damn they got everything now. The perfect pancake, chocolate factory and now this. What happened to the world? Ever since Bush came. Damn bush. I mean who would name their kid Bush? Just call him shrub and he's good." Bakura said.

"Wanna come to the gay convention?" Yugi asked.

_Not even if they paid me. _"No thanks I actually need something from you." Bakura said. He got on his knee.

"You're not proposing are you?" Yugi asked blushing.

"Oh Ra! What the fuck are you smoking! Must be something fucking strong! Ugh! No! Shit I can't work with him. I can't wait to kill you." Bakura screamed.

"Kill me?" Yugi said confused.

"I mean kill your Yami." Bakura said.

"Oh. Hahaha." Yugi laughed snorting.

"Okay…" Bakura said strangely "Yugi. Growls "Yugi" I need…I know this is all of the sudden but…I need your heart." He said dramatically.

"My heart? Why?" Yugi asked.

"My fish died." Bakura said.

"Your fish?" Yugi said confused.

"Yes dammit! My fish! Hand over your heart!" He screamed cutting Yugi's chest open and stealing his heart.

"Now Cherry will live! Just need to cut it a bit." He said picking at the heart and sticking it in with the brain. He sat on the bench and saw the priest walk up.

"Strike 3 of the day. We don't know what's going on but there goes our king of games. Kaiba…after 3,000 years of wanting to win that title…it looks like it's yours now." The priest said.

"Like oh my god…like oh my god. This is like…oh my god. This was so sudden. Thank you like dear god. I like could've…done it without you. Thank you like that special someone who like killed him. I finally have the title king of games. I'm like so happy. Happy dance ya'll. Doo doo doo doo do. Doo doo doo doo do. Alrighty then like I'm done now. In your face Yugi I won king of games and like you didn't because you're like dead." Kaiba said skipping off cheerfully doing his happy dance.

"Good Yugi's…Growls "Yugi" finally dead! I can win a duel now!" Bakura said laughing evilly.

We interrupt this story to bring you the new hit show Kai-ba-oh!

Old Yugioh theme plays 

Kai-ba-oh he is the king of games

It's time to like d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-duel girlfriends

Kai-ba-oh KING OF GA-A-A-AMES!

Kaiba at the Oscars

I'd like to like thank my lawyer and like Booger that's like Mokie people. Yugi for like dying on me, myself for like growing up so like perfect." He smiled at the camera. "That bitch Ishizu for like giving me Obelisk and like making me go like mad with power like all through like the battle city episodes. And me myself and like I. Like thank you. Kai-ba-oh will like be a big hit! Like Whoo! Whoo me people."

A few weeks later…

Kid: Kai-ba-oh sucks! Where's the action!

Another kid: You suck!

Mokuba: DOWN WITH KAI-BA-OH!

Kaiba: Booger…how can you like cancel my show like that?

Mokuba: Easy stop calling my booger and I'll stop hating you bitch. Now die and burn in hell everyone knows the true king of games is Yugi…" Bakura out of nowhere growls "Yugi"

Kaiba commits suicide.

Bakura walks down the street and sees the mailman. He hides behind a bush and watches. He throws a letter at the mailman.

_Deer Manicotti,_

_I kno u stole Ryou and I kno u have been stalking me so that's y I'm stalking u yet u will never suspect I'm behind this bush spying on u rite now. Watch ur bak…_

_I'm watching you now_

_Bakura _

The mailman walked to the bush and saw Bakura.

"Dammit! How'd you find me!" He asked angrily. "I knew you had special powers…but the power to sense another presence…you're all crazy manicotti's out to get Ryou and me!" he screamed.

"Mailman! Mailman! First of all a Manicotti is an Italian dish! Mailman: one who delivers mail. Manicotti: Italian dish. Second of all I'm not stalking you I put mail in your mailbox or slot or whatever every Monday, Wednesday, Friday and Saturday. I don't know you I don't know Ryou and I don't care. For everyone's sake you all died." The mailman said.

"You are too stalking me how did you know I was behind the bush then?" Bakura asked.

"You wrote it in this letter!" The mailman screamed.

"How did you get that!" Bakura asked.

"Here we go with the 20 fucking questions. I saw you dump the letter on the floor in front of my feet you dumbass white head. Listen leave me alone before I call authority on you." The mailman said driving off.

Bakura saw the mail truck drive off and eyed it carefully. He looked at the nametag he stole from the mailman, which read: Billy Bob.

"It's good to be back home." Billy bob said.

"Yes it is." Bakura said turning on the light.

"Aw dammit not you again! I don't have anything!" Billy bob screamed.

"I believe you do. You have Ryou. I want him…hand him over bitch. I know you're…an alium." Bakura said.

Billy Bob started screaming and jumped out his window.

Stan: Oh my god! You killed Billy bob!

Kyle: You bastard!

"You're going to die too you little turds get the fuck out of here!" Bakura said stabbing them all and laughing manically.

"They're dead everyone's dead! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! "Yugi…Growls "Yugi" is dead! Marik thank Ra he's dead! Yami Marik's dead!" He chuckled "And now Billy Bob is dead. We won't be getting mail in a while." He said walking home.

"Bakura? You're here. I was about to call the police." Ryou said.

"So you were gonna rat me out! Huh! Ryou! All these years acting innocent! Bullshit you wanted me in jail. You must die." Bakura said pulling out his knife.

"No! I was worried! Don't kill me! I—" The mail slot opened and letter came flying in.

Bakura ran to the slot and looked through it. "Manicotti's." He said narrowing his eyes. "I thought I killed them. These bitches just keep coming back. It's just like that terminator movie. That shit was awesome I'm watching it tonight." He said opening the door. "I'm off to hunt me some manicotti Ryou. Don't move. I'm coming back for you." Bakura said running after the mailman.

"Manicotti…that's an Italian dish. Someone's been hanging around Marik too much." He said packing a suitcase.

_Dear Bakura,_

_You're too mental for me to live with. I can't ever in a million years ever see you again. I'm living somewhere new now. There's food in the fridge and money in the glove compartment. _

_Won't ever see you again,_

_Ryou_

_Instructions on how to unlock a door_

_Put hand on door_

_Turn the knobby thing on doorknob_

_Turn doorknob_

_There you see the sunlight_

"He…left me…how could he…leave me? After I killed everything in this world from stealing him…what did he get jacked by now!" Bakura cried rocking in fetal position.

Back in Alaska.

"So you're a race of Nazi penguins. Can I join? I'm a wanderer." Ryou said.

"Niet!" The Adolph Hitler sounding penguin said saluting him.

Bakura rocked in fetal position forever and the mail people kept sending him mail for there was an infinite amount of mailmen. Ryou was promoted to Hitler's spot during the Holocaust (for penguins) war in 2000 leaving Ryou and a discombobulated penguin he thought was Bakura the only ones left in the Nazi penguin race.

Everyone but Kaiba, Marik, Yami Marik Yugi…Bakura growls "Yugi" and Nazi general penguin Hitler lived a happily ever after.

The end!

Bakura never stopped the mailmen

Bakura: Damn manicottis

Well…this ends this series…hope I get lots of Reviews for the last chapter of Ryou's gone! Yay! R&R please!


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